STOP. START OVER.

I heard  a familiar buzz. It sounded like a low-flying drone: only colder - and way better.

I tried to open my eyes into a gaze or a glare - whichever would win; but the bright white light above me forced my eyelids shut. I tried to fight the light one more time, but decided against it when my head began to throb.

'Where am I?'  I asked partly to myself and whoever was out there.

'In hospital,' the familiar voice briefly answered. I felt the corners of my mouth curve into a smile. This time, I managed to open my eyes. All I could manage was a squint. My vision was blurry, but I could already tell who was in the room with me.

He came!

'Your doctor says you have a broken neck,' he said; a nervous grin trying to mask the pain and fear he was trying to obfuscate. I could only understand why he was in pain. Not why he was scared.

'Does that scare you?' I asked, running my fingers over his face in a bid to wipe off the unmistakable fear on it.  It made him look ugly. 

'Of course not. What scares me is the reaction I might get from you when you hear what I have to say.'

I froze. I already knew whatever he had to say was something that would inevitably send me spiraling back into my depression. 

'Let's have this conversation once you're back home,' he continued. 'You might be discharged at around 4 pm. That's about an hour away.' 

'Okay,' I answered, trying to maintain an expression I thought was neutral.

*******************************************************************************

The silence that engulfed the room was indubitably uncomfortable. Even for me. I watched, wide - eyed, as the vase that I threw at him, shattered  on his head and ricochet in different directions. 

He was taken aback. 

As I was.

This isn't me. 

I wanted to shed off the pain surging in my heart and veins, through my tears; but I was dry-eyed. 

I just had the insatiable urge to destroy everything in sight. 

 Restrain yourself.

No.

Yes.

NO!!!

It all felt like an out of body experience. I could not see anything past the red blur in my eyes. Lifting every object in my vicinity and crashing them against the walls; crushing some under my feet. I only stopped when I saw the look in his eyes. 

Scared, pleading and remorseful.

Just this one last time.

Just this last time was I going to give in to the silent plea he was sending from where he was cornered like a scared animal; playing victim when he was the villain.

This one last time; was I going to obey him.

This one last time; was I going to set my eyes on him and feel anything close to pity, love, empathy or compassion.

And so I walked away. With the little hope and determination left in me.

With the little respect and confidence I had left in me.

And with the frail frayed string of strength I was hanging on to with all I had left.

It's all I have left. 

Might as well just; start over.