Six Versions of Me: A Quarter-Life Crisis and the Journey to Reclaim Myself

What am I doing here? 

I know I ended up here through my parents, and them through theirs, and on it goes.

But, what exactly am I doing on earth? 

Other than being plagued with being one of the only people that can see through the painful dysfunction that was my entire immediate and extended family?

 I can't say for sure.

 I'm just thinking, do we have to wake up and go work for the next 50 or so years? 

Isn't there something else we can do? 

Something life giving ? 

Something less monotonous, maybe?

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Growing up, it was drilled into me that my purpose in life was to keep my parents and siblings happy.

That not even my singing, dancing, writing, drawing and cooking mattered. None of my art mattered especially if it outshined the person who, to date, can't stand me from as early as I can remember. 

Which is more of her own problem than it is mine. BULLY.

That the life we were living was normal and I had to act like it.

 

It wasn't and I'll never get tired of speaking up and raising awareness about abuse from the Cluster B personalities. 

It was also drilled into me that I have to get to a certain age, pick a man, get married and have kids. That I would find true happiness there. 

Ugh.

I digress.

You'd think it was easy, but it isn't.

Having the awareness of the lies and deceit you were fed all your life doesn't mean you right it all at once.

 

It doesn't happen overnight, you know; undoing and unlearning all those unhealthy habits. 

Don't get me started on the coping mechanisms we had to adapt to survive such psychologically and physically hostile environments. 

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One day, a boss of mine asked me if I had anyone in my life I could turn to, an adult I turn to when things hit the fan and all. To which I said no, which is true. All the adults in my life were kids stuck in adult bodies that I had to nurture and mother. 

I dont think he ever realised what that question unlocked for me; and I dont think he may ever understand why I was grateful later on that he asked. Remember what I said about having the awareness and it not being enough? 

In the weeks that followed that conversation, I deleted lots of numbers. I cut off so many people and for about two weeks, I was indoors, scared, alone and very distrustful towards everyone. 

Everyone except my youngest brother.

I caved and sent him an innocent voice note feigning strength and resilience. 

He responded and asked me to back away from my phone after sending him my location.

Yes, nobody knows where exactly I live. Life of an introvert. 

When we eventually calmed down, I told him everything I believed he needed to hear. 

He is the only one apart from me that decided he was going to heal, break the cycles and grow away from the family.

I told him how, everything around me was a lie. A big, fat lie. Everyone around me, everything around me. And realised how much I was spiraling in that moment. 

Having to see the role I played as well in most of these situations, realising in an untamed anger how much failure and pain my parents set me up for, getting angry at myself for still blaming my parents, reminding myself that I'm not blaming them but simply stating the reality of what I endured because speaking up is part of healing.

The blatant, emotive, psychological and physical abuse I endured from them and continued to endure until I said, no more; because I realised I had paid with 29 freaking years of my life, my autonomy and my sanity. 

Unsurprisingly it happened  slowly over time. 

I awakened to the fact that I was living amongst demons at 24. Honestly the cluster B personalities that a huge percentage of my family has, eerily resemble demons. 

From the look in their eyes when they're just about to suck the life and joy out of you to the way they shape shift when an outsider is in the vicinity. I love my parents, don't get me wrong. They got the same from their parents. 

But now that I'm older I realise they just didn't want to act right despite having all the help and resources at their disposal.

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I didnt understand why at 28 years I suddenly wanted a tattoo, then another, then another - then stopped at number 4. I was subconsciously preparing myself for the pain and shedding I would experience in 2024. I thought it was just one of those intermittently rebellious moments I'd wage as a war against my parents every few years trying to fight for my autonomy and overall survival. 

Boy, was I wrong. 

They say it is a quarter life crisis.

I asked my partner at the time what his was like and in that moment had more realisations that prompted me to end the relationship a few weeks later. 

Because again, I saw what I had seen, that had me spiraling in the confines of my space. 

No one really prepares you for it. 

For the rose coloured glasses falling off and shattering at your feet.

I'm not talking about those minor squabbles I had in my early and mid twenties where you found out your bestie was saying things behind your back or walking in on your little boyfriend making out with his sister (or so you thought).

What I'm talking about shakes your world, uprooots you, shakes the soil off your roots and suspends you mid air as you watch the ground you were once rooted in crumble and sink into an abyss unknown. 

Then you're left with your roots intact, and the little pieces of dirt you had shaken off of you.

 Yeah. That's all you have, to start over. 

Well, I did learn a lot about myself in the process.

 That I could choose myself even when the truth presented to me was painful. 

In the past I'd hold on and wait forever for things to change, but not anymore. 

Yes, newfound strengths and learning to trust patterns enough without having to wait for the inevitable outcomes. 

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I resigned from my last job without a plan ( I have a hunch that I'm well know for this), I ended my relationship and over that weekend, went to Karura to reconnect with nature. 

I was accompanied by a friend way younger than me. I purposely chose her because I needed a reminder of what it looked like to live life and live in the moment.

 Mother nature grounded me. 

I'm moon ruled so water will definitely always speak to me. 

The following week I went to visit a friend who I later ran away from, literally. We had only been speaking online and never met in person.

 I recognized her from the moment I set my eyes on her. 

Not who I was looking at in that moment, but a replica of my first ever bully. 

Older and wiser, I learned to trust my intuition and the fact that I was literally shrinking into myself the whole time during that interaction, despite the fact that I'm a fairly confident person in posture. 

Exhausted, I crawled back into my house and didnt leave for about two weeks.

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 This is a kind of loss that comes in a way that forces you to confront and accept the hard truths, violently shakes off any naivety that you may be hopelessly holding on to, that tells you everything and everyone deserves numerous chances and that the harder you try, the more accepting they'll be of you.

This kind of loss hands you the responsibility of ending everything without voicing a plausible reason, because you learned earlier on that stating the truth will have your words and judgement twisted, only to learn the painful way years later that you were right. 

This kind of loss robs you off an identity you never even knew was not your own. 

All my relationships were on the basis of how much I needed to be there for them and how little I was expected to ask for help. 

Looking back, all my interpersonal relationships from as early as I can remember, crumbled into pieces when I wasn't strong anymore. 

When I wasn't motherly.

When I was just trying to be a girl. 

A teen. 

A lady. 

Maiden. 

On the bright side? 

I'm finalising on the grieving process. 

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It looks like my life will begin at 30.

A few golden months from now.

With me having sat down with myself and realising, I can do whatever I want without worrying about what the next codependent or insecure adult will think or say. 

With the realisation that despite what society says, kids and marriage don't appeal to me - and religion is just - too limiting in an unhealthy way.

With a silent defiance that declares the cold hard evidence I've gathered over the years - that playing by the rules only ensures you lose and further sets you up for failure and pain.

The inner acceptance of all of my shadows and integrating them slowly with my light, because in as much as I hate to admit it, my shadows protected me when my light tried hard to cast my pearls before swines! 

With realising, I've always been on my own and I'll therefore be okay. 

"And aren't you scared that someone will read all this and judge you?" 

Oh, honey. 

I learnt very early on in life, that people who judge you, are only angry that you refuse to confine yourself in the cages they built for THEMSELVES. 

So,

Here I am. 

Starting over. 

Alone. 

Proud.

Defiant.

In all of my audacious glory.