BIG IN ALL THE SMALL WAYS

When she giggles, most times it would be about something so unreal. I'm almost always scared when she giggles, because I know what will follow is something I am not mentally, physically or emotionally prepared for. 

"What are you laughing at ?" I ask, already dreading the answer. 

The most recent was when we were both experimenting with her caramel sauce. I mixed some of this sauce with cold milk and I was pleased with the results. 

What about her? She put it on leftover Ugali. This was the source of her amusement. Her endless giggling. She urged me to try it and was obviously met with resistance because I only associate Ugali with salty stew or veggies. Not caramel sauce. 

"It tastes like cake!" She tried convincing me one more time. I just couldn't do it. 

It's been almost 48 hours since she left for school and now I feel like I can't breathe. 

She had been in my space for two months before this and on some days I felt like I just needed my space back. On other days I just couldn't imagine her being away from me. 

Maybe she feels the same way, because I see her rolling her eyes when I interrupt her reading to bitch about people she'd warned me about or talk her ear off about something new and conspiratorial I learned about. 

What about the time I didn't come home; so she ruffled up my blanket to make it look like I was asleep in my bed? She then proceeded to tell me how she would wake up at some point in the night, look at my bed then say to herself: "She came back" and fall back asleep. 

Sisterhood is complex. 

Especially from the dynamic we both come from. 

It is complex. 

But the more I sit here in the dark, the more I realise that we lived through it together. Separately, but together. Scars, tears, laughter and all. We have each other. Even when we can't stand each other. Even when we're silent over silly issues. Even after all the big fights, mostly geared by me; and our past. Which shows me everyday how different our scars look and just how different they are. I mean, same story, different scars. 

What is she doing right now? Is she asleep? Did she finally manage to do the final bits of her homework? Is she happy to see her friends? 

Three months is such a long time. We are only two days in. 

Counting down to the day she will talk my ear off my head about her schoolmates and their crazy antics. 

Why is high school tea so hot though? 😂

#sighs.

I miss my sister.